Welcome to my blog. I have tried to blog before but the result felt too formal for the format of a blog, inauthenticity in the voice. I Was trying to live up to some image of wisdom and knowing that perhaps people didn’t even have of me and I certainly didn’t have of myself. Perhaps that’s why it didn’t continue.
I had the same issue and anxieties when I was writing my book, and became obsessed with not overstating or dramatizing any of the events, feelings or circumstances I was writing about. Perhaps they didn’t need to be dramatised anyway but I think more importantly, I have spent much of my life being inauthentic so that it has become really important to let the facts get in the way of a good story.
So where did my inauthenticity come from?
If I reflect upon my life, I think it was a deep distrust and dislike of who I was. I didn’t mean to misrepresent myself, I just didn’t know who myself was and always felt like I would be a disappointment to whomever I met; I learnt a deep distrust of my truth. What was my truth?
I suspect this was why I have been unable to properly market my book and even my yoga and meditation classes. I wasn’t quite ready to believe I was being authentic and thought I would be a disappointment when people met me after reading the book, would be disappointed by the book or disappointed by a class.
I hoped the story would stand on its own and magically disappear off the bookshelves of countless book stores across the country; that people would somehow hear about this story of woman who yoga’ed and meditated her way out of a wheelchair and automatically want to promote it then I wouldn’t have to do anything.
I was wrong. The thing was, if I didn’t believe in my work, why would anyone else? Every week I teach six classes in yoga and meditation and have several private clients, and my book has sold nearly two thousand copies, so I must be doing something right. There must be something about my story and my teaching that touches people.
I have had to learn to first recognise my inner voice and then listen to it so I could know when I was actually being authentic, and most importantly not judge myself for my past and present indiscretions. Acceptance of myself is allowing my whole self to surface and is enabling me to see the pathways to change, not just in myself but in the people around me.
I am realising as I move through this life that very few people (if any), do things that are not in alignment because they are bad people. Most people it seems are doing the best they can with what they’ve got, it just may be that they are working with fear and anxiety, and if we remove the judgement of right and wrong we may be able to find our compassion and support each other through our moments of fear.
The result is of course that I am much more accepting and it is more effortless; the clouds are parting and I can see the beautiful blue sky behind them.
Perhaps now I will be able to market my book and my classes with the confidence of speaking my truth. And perhaps this blog is the beginning. I really wasn’t sure what I was writing about when I started so it will be interesting to see what comes up next time I sit to write.
If you are having difficulty accepting an aspect of yourself (or someone else), try this practice and see what happens
- relax your body with some stretching and a quick relaxation of your muscles (progressive muscle tense and relax works well)
- become aware of the your breath, noticing the length of the out -breath and the in-breath
- invite the in and out-breath to become equal
- continue this even breathing until your mind settles
- allow the aspect or quality to arise and notice the shape, colour, place in your body, texture and density of the quality
- when you have a strong image, bathe the image with acceptance (love, peace will also work); first the outside and then the inside
- pause occasionally to notice any changes
- when you are ready to return to your life, notice the image again and become aware of any changes and thank yourself for giving yourself this time
- repeat as often as you like until you feel the need has passed