Day 5 conclusions:

  1. There is no peace without acknowledging the fear; we must love the fear with the same unconditional love that we give to a crying child; we must hold her in our arms until the sobs that rack her body settle into deep long breaths; and then we can feel peace. Then we can be peace because we are no longer afraid of fear itself.

Why

Today is Day 5 and I can feel my usual pattern of waning interest following an enthusiastic start. Yet this time it had a different quality. This time I could observe the feeling while having a deep inner knowing that I would continue with my experiment; a trust that was derived from in part from the commitment to my intention and part from the public declaration of my commitment.

So this morning, rather than sitting with the flame and infusing my being with love, I gave myself loving permission to ‘play hooky’. I walked up to my local café with my partner and had breakfast. We talked and laughed, I saw my son and in the loving acceptance of myself and the choice I had made, the sensation of unconditional love began to emerge all by itself.

Since that moment of recognition, I have allowed myself to be exactly who I am in any given moment and allowed myself to gracefully move with the shifting sands that can be reality. It is already becoming my habit to respond with love.

For example, while in the café I read an article about an individual suffering MS and her fear was palpable. As I read the article I found myself first reacting to her fear and then steeping back and feeling love. In love I was able to hold another’s fear and I realised that I had been reacting to my own fear, my own fear of returning to a place of hopelessness and suffering.

This has sat with me all day and as I have been writing this blog I have realised that the moments I have experienced deep unconditional love and peace, bliss, have been in moments of unconditional surrender to the fear and pain I was experiencing – no denial. Yet between then and now I thought I had to vanquish that fear from my life in order to live in peace but tonight I understand that my peace is attained by acknowledging that my experience of life when MS was at its most ravaging was horrible and I feel fear of returning.

Now I understand there is no peace with an inner war. Now I can hold my forefinger and chant Om, and feel love…and fear is held in the loving arms of acceptance…peace.

Eight years ago I sat in a motorised wheelchair and wanted to learn how to live in peace, now I have.

om