Day 16 conclusions:

  • Today I have been noticing my relationship with myself, and it’s still dodgy at best.
  • I feel pure joy when I feel love for another individual.
  • So what now?

Why

When I woke this morning and sat for my morning love infusion, it became clear to me that my project today was me, not my body or it’s ills or any other specific part of me – my project was love for the whole of me. Not the kind of egoist love that relies on achievement and/or beauty but the love that just is, regardless.

If ever I was ever going allow love through me it had to include me, as well. If I was ever going to look upon another human being (or any other being), with unconditional love, it would have to originate in unconditional love within myself.

Perhaps I always knew it would come to this and I had been secretly hiding it away from myself but today it rose and having risen, I can’t shove it back down. It has sat in the very corner of my vision, waiting for me to notice when my guard is down.

So today I have been noticing my relationship with myself, and it’s still dodgy at best.

It has been a stressful and long day as I have had scans to investigate a lump found in my breast a week ago (cyst of fatty tissue), taught two yoga classes and taxied family members to where they needed to be, before arriving home exhausted and preparing toasted cheese sandwich for dinner.

What I  noticed today is that I derive an inordinate amount of pleasure from loving. I feel pure joy when I feel love for another individual (be they human or not). Of course, the experience is more intense when I am with my family or partner, or people I am intimate with but generally speaking if I am with someone and I allow myself, I feel love and that brings me joy; joy that is unattached to the person or anything they might have said or done, just pure joy.

And this raises more questions than it answers. Is this my path to self-love – allowing myself to feel love for folk? What if I am one such folk? What if I could allow myself to feel love in the context of myself? Is this a vocation? Is it even possible? Am I finally going mad?

I feel joy when I feel love, so what now?